I keep telling Courtney that I'm a Redneck, and she keeps telling me I'm not. She points out that I drive an Acura sedan and like to dress nice on most occasions (the fact that I just used the phrase "dress nice" is evidence of my Redneckedness). Let's review a few things, and y'all can come to your own conclusions.
Even though I really like my car...a lot...I want a pickup truck even more. We can't afford a new vehicle (pronounced "vee-hickle") now, so it's not going to happen anytime soon. When I do get my pickup truck, it will be a full-size, 4-wheel drive, non-"green" gas guzzler, and I will put lots of stickers on the back glass. (For those of you who don't know what the "back glass" is, that's the Redneck term for the rear windshield in a pickup truck. Cars and SUV's don't have a back glass...they have a rear windshield.) What kinds of stickers? Well, there will be one indicating my Life Membership status in Gun Owners of America, one for my Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation membership (I've never even been elk hunting), a Georgia Outdoor News (GON) sticker, and maybe a bowhunting sticker or two...oh, and this way-cool Bone Collector sticker. I'm also thinking about putting one of my "You Can't Beat a Woman Who Shoots" stickers on it. (Get the double meaning? See, women who shoot guns are awesome, so you can't "beat" them. Also, if a woman shoots guns, she can't be beaten in the literal sense because she'll blow his brains out. Nice...) I'll probably also find room for my white oval sticker with the black lettering on it (y'all know what I'm talking about). Mine says "556." See if you can figure out what that means.
Next item of evidence. My favorite Christmas present this year was from my amazing wife. She gave me a life-sized whitetail deer archery target. You drive rebar into the ground and then stand this bad boy up on the rebar, which goes into its legs. It's made from open-layered foam, which stops the arrows by friction rather than force (i.e., it's easier on the arrows than other targets are). Why not just use a regular archery target? (I have those, too.) Well, when I'm hunting, I'm not going to be shooting at a little box on the ground with a nice, big bullseye on it. This is the most life-like practice you can get, and right now it's set up in my backyard so that I can practice year-round. Bonus: You can take the antlers off so that it passes as a doe decoy to lure those big bucks into range. 
The arrows in the target were all shot from 37 yards away (measured by my trusty Leupold RX-II laser rangefinder). Take that, Bambi!
Speaking of hunting, I also have a trail camera that is motion-activated. You attach it to a tree, and when a deer, squirrel, rabbit, or other critter walks by, it takes a picture or video of the critter. It even takes nighttime pictures with an infrared flash so that it doesn't spook the critters. You use these on your hunting property so that you know if there are any big deer in the area. It even puts a date/time stamp on each picture or video so you know what time of day the deer are moving by. Right now it's not hunting season, so this camera is set up in my backyard to take pictures of deer and squirrels (and even one of a rabbit). Check it out.
I'm pretty sure this is the killer rabbit from "Monty Python & The Quest for the Holy Grail." Look how fast he's moving!If I could take any trip I wanted right now, I would take Courtney on a second honeymoon to some all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean...or maybe Turtle Island near Fiji. If I could take two trips, the second one would be a trip to Alaska or the Yukon Territory to try to kill a great big ol' Yukon moose with my bow.
Question: How awesome would it be to have a gigantic moose head with antlers that are 60" to 70" wide hanging on the wall in the great room? Answer: Freaking awesome!
Another trip I would do right now if I could is an elk hunt in either Colorado, Montana, or Wyoming. I'm talking a non-guided, public land, do-it-yourself, camp-out-in-the-wilderness-with-the-grizzly-bears elk hunt. Doing it this way is actually not terribly expensive (on average about $500-$700 for the hunting license and tags, plus transportation and supplies. Compare that to a guided hunt with an outfitter that would cost anywhere from $4000-$8000 not including licenses, tags, or transportation). The hardest part is getting the elk tag. Most western states have a lottery process for nonresidents, so you have to submit an application with your fees (mostly refunded) and hope they draw your name. Every year you don't draw, you build up what are called preference points, which increases your chance of getting a tag the next year, so eventually you will get a tag in those three states. Other states like Arizona and New Mexico, where they have really, really, really big elk are nearly impossible for a nonresident to draw for.
Finally, let's talk about my favorite TV shows. Yes, I like "The Office," "Biggest Loser," and of course "24," but all my most favorite shows air on the Outdoor Channel. They have names like "Bone Collectors" (see sticker above), "Realtree Roadtrips," "Eastman's Bowhunting Journal," "Bowhunter Magazine TV," "Bow Madness," and "Arrow Affliction." You can probably guess what those are all about. The guy that hosts that last show does something he calls Extreme Aerial Bowfishing. Yes, you read that correctly. I think it looks incredibly fun, and I'd love to do it sometime. Here's a link to a video on YouTube.
It doesn't get any more Redneck than shooting fish out of the air with a bow and arrow.
Like I said, you can't hide Redneck.
Next post: The evidence that I'm not a Redneck. Then, we'll take a vote.
9 comments:
Sorry about the weird spacing. It doesn't look anything like that in the edit mode. Editing in Firefox is a little quirky, and I hate Internet Explorer, so I'll just have to figure it out.
Paul ISN'T a Redneck... he is just a good o'le COUNTRY BOY!
Here is why:
1. He doesn't like BUD or beer.. doesn't drink it at all.. and actually prefers girlie drinks instead.
2. He is a lawyer.. meaning he is well educated.
3. He only wears camo if he is hunting.. it isn't in his usual garmet picked out to wear. Even his hats aren't all camo.
4. He wears GAP jeans.
5. He doesn't skip church on Sunday's to hunt or fish instead.
6. He doesn't like Nascar.
7. He shaves almost daily.
8. His clothes are ALWAYS clean.
9. He doesn't chew tobacco or smoke.
10. His money is in a bank, stock or bond.. not under the matress.
See we have different definitions of Rednecks vs. White Trash.. and his white trash is my redneck.. so you decide!
Reasons Paul is a NERD.. not a red-neck:
1. He watches Jeopardy
2. He answers ALL the Jeopardy questions
3. He answers them BEFORE Alec Trebect is able to read the whole thing (speed reader)
4. He has not one but TWO degrees (geology and law)
5. He folds his underwear
6. He washes his own clothes (he won't let Courtney do them)
7. He labels his stuff
8. He irons his clothes
9. He is neatly dressed all the time (shirt tucked in, always wears a belt etc)
10. He wanted a Volvo or Acura when he bought his last car.
11. He has a super fancy weather station in the back yard
12. He reads history books
13. He works out to keep his typical scrawny body muscle
14. He wore glasses until he had eye surgery.
I would most gladly LET Courtney do my laundry, but she WON'T.
I do NOT always have my shirt tucked in...only for work and church.
I can't argue with the rest of that. :)
You won't let Courtney do your laundry bc you don't like they way Courtney washes!
You only untuck your shirt when you run! That's the only time I see it out!
Well, then you just don't pay attention.
Besides, if wearing glasses makes someone a nerd, you're still a nerd because YOU STILL WEAR THEM.
Well since we pointed out that you only untuck your shirt when you run you conviently untucked it to my birthday dinner that night! haha! I'm kidding! I love picking on you Paul! If I didn't then it just wouldn't be normal and no fun!
Yep...I love ya, but you are slightly red...maybe pink is the word! Not a bad thing...I love a country boy! Kyle
i can't give you a definitive answer, but your reference to the "killer rabbit" leads me to hypothesize that you might not be entirely red. i haven't made the acquaintance of very many rednecks who are even familiar with monty python!
loved the blog. can't wait to see the reasons you're not.
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